Failed cover letters

If you’re trying to get hired, here’s what not to do. Neither of these types of responses helped to net me a job.

1) From a Craigslist ad:

“we are looking for a sandwich maker with cashier experience must be available to work from 9:00am to 4:00pm monday thru saturday.cleaning (such as sweeping ,moping ,dishes ,etc .)will be required . we really need someone who does not mind being through and clean”

My response:

“Hi, are you looking for someone who’s “through and clean” as you said, or are you looking for someone who’s “thorough and clean?” I’m not sure if I’m the guy you’re looking for since I’m through being thorough and now thoroughly sick and tired of being so thorough throughout the entirety of my life to date. It’s really tiring and I’m just over it at this point.

“I know spell check is a new invention, but it’s something you might want to look into. If you want to hire me, let me know with a well-worded email. Just please write it in a way that doesn’t require a dyslexic 1st-grader’s mind to decipher.”

-kennett

2) A restaurant looking for a busser asked for a cover letter written to include the super power you’d choose and the reality TV show you most desire to be on.

My response:

“I’ll start out with the most important question: my super power of choice. Aside from the obvious and unoriginal choices of flight or the ability to make infinite amounts of my own personal wishes come true, I’d have to say that my most-desired super power would be to bus tables with super-human speed and quality. Hahaha. No but seriously, I’d choose to have a super-human sense of smell. This way I could go sniffing for truffles on my own without having to hire one of those ridiculously expensive truffle-finding pigs. Think of all the money I could make in the truffle business if I didn’t have to hire the pigs! I could make tens of hundreds of dollars! With my super smell ability I could also bring to justice the guilty parties responsible for “crop dusting” rooms with flatulence. If I ever got lost in the woods I could smell my way back to the stench of civilization’s McDonalds. But, most importantly, I wouldn’t have to stop to smell the roses, resulting in a monumental amount of extra productivity while still remaining happy.

“Okay, onto the next question: What reality TV show would I want to be on? To that I answer that I’m fairly confident that my life is already being secretly documented and aired to the world without my knowledge in the series “Life of Kennett.” Kind of like that Jim Carrey movie, except there might be the very real possibility that the rest of humanity no longer exists due to extinction and everyone else in this make-believe world is either an alien, a robot, or just a figment of my imagination. I’m 47% certain that the entire world is fictitious, a terrarium built around me and I’m the lab rat being studied by beings that poses such great intelligence that I don’t realize I’m just part of their experiment. But aside from all that…I guess I’d choose Survivor because I could use some time in the sun on the beach.

“You should hire me because I’m a hard worker, quick learner, and I never show up to work late, except sometimes, but that’s only due to me not leaving home in time. (That was a joke, I won’t be late). Maybe I should take that out. Nah, I’ll just put a line through it. In all seriousness though, I would choose flight. It’s a no-brainer. Now that were back onto that topic, I have a question for you: would you rather have the ability to fly but only ONCE a month for a day (plus you can’t tell anyone about it or use your ability to fly to make any money) or would you rather be given 1 billion dollars?”