Letter to TSA

Dear TSA (Tremendously Shitty Assholes),

I recently traveled from Portland to Tulsa and found a note inside my luggage stating you’d raped my bag and its contents.  From the tape job on my bike box, it appears you thoroughly raped that as well.  I fear that when I open it I will be less than surprised to find out that some of the contents are missing or damaged.  (You broke a $2,500 bike frame of mine last year).

But back on the topic of hand.  The note indicated that you stole something from me: a bottle of “flammable” bike chain lubricant.  Your reasoning, I assume, being that it was dangerous and would cause a fire in the luggage compartment.  I’ve had this bottle of chain lube for many months and to date, 100% of the time it has never started any fires while harmlessly lying either in the garage or in my tool bag.  Likewise, it has never burst into flames during the many times I’ve traveled with it on airplanes.  This brings me to my first question.  Since it had never been confiscated in any of the prior flights I’ve taken, what kind of special technology do you have that allowed you to determine that THIS time it was certain that it would bring down the plane in flames?  This amazing technology is the only explanation I can think of because I’ve seen that you’re so good and thorough at your job that I KNOW you wouldn’t have accidentally missed it one of those other times I traveled with it.  You should probably contact the makers of the chain lubricant, White Lightning, and let them know about the new equipment that can sniff out how much time these ticking time bomb bottles of chain lubricant have before detonation.  I’m sure they’re eager to acquire a machine of their own and stop the growing number of customer deaths by printing the explosion date on the bottle and urging users to discard the product before it spontaneously combusts.  Finally we can end all these horrific bike shop and garage fires caused by exploding bottles of chain lube!

My next question: how do you sleep at night knowing the entire planet is anxiously awaiting each and every one of your suicides?  Are you too stupid to be aware of this fact or are you all secretly planning some gigantic, cool, televised, mass suicide event in the coming months?

Go something yourselves,

-Kennett P.