Cyclist recieves excellent hair cut. Other 999,999 hairs become jealous.

There are some very important events that took place in the past couple of days.  I know nothing of them because I don’t follow any news outlet.  And even if I did, I doubt I would have heard about them.  So instead, I will tell of some very important events that I took part in over the past couple days.

Thursday was an important day.  Thursday the 3rd, I believe, was the day that I took residence in Europe.  Eastern Europe to be exact.  For I am now the proud owner of my very own Euro mullet.  If I’m gonna be pro, I might as well look the part.  My plan is to buy a team jersey and sneak up on the Radioshack team ride next week in Tucson–I’m leaving for Tucson on Wednesday.  I’ll mostly keep my mouth shut when I ride up on them, except for a few exclamations about how the pace line needs to be “a vittle mowa orderly and much much more functional.” (Playing the role of a typical Eastern German).  With my Euro mullet and Radioshack team kit as my disguise, no one will even say a thing, and I’ll be on the team.

The next big event of the week was spaghetti dinner tonight with French bread and chocolate chip cookies.  By the way, I’m not going in chronological order, I’m using the importance order.  Because, as I learned in many journalism classes, people reading the newspaper want to hear about the most important things first.  Even if they’re out of order and don’t really provide any information that leads to the whole picture of what happened.  For instance:

13 motorists die while texting ;-) JK!! no, srsly they died…

Los Angeles, CA.  Sunday–Thirteen people died in a 13-car collision on Main st. Thursday morning.  Northbound traffic was delayed two hours as paramedics scrubbed the blood off the pavement.  Police say the accident occurred when all 13 drivers were simultaneously texting behind the wheel with their heads down,  grinning at a cute picture message of a cat in a ballerina outfit sent by a friend who was also driving.  Estimated damage to South Side Elementary school that all 13 cars drove into is upwards of $410.  The school, facing financial issues from years of cutbacks, will be closed for repair until January, 2029.

Pictures of the cat can be found at

The order of importance goes like this–Number of people dead.  Number of people injured.  Delays or inconveniences to you, the reader.  Cause of the accident/problem.  Other.

The reason for this is that most people will only read the header.  Then, if you’re lucky, they’ll read the first couple lines.  Almost no one reads to the end of the article.  So you put the exciting stuff first.  The blood and guts.  The rest after that?  Who cares? People don’t want to read about the cumbling crumbs of an education system that’s somehow falling apart in the richest country in the world.  They don’t want to hear any commentary against texting while driving.  They want to hear the death toll.  And the higher the better.

What the order of importance should be like is this:

Two cyclists eat a lot of food over the weekend

Willamette Valley, Ore.  Saturday and Sunday–Two cyclists consumed approximately 13 crap-tons of food over the weekend while they rode from Portland to Eugene and back (almost).  Food that they ate after reaching Eugene included one hot dog and root beer each from the hot dog restaurant next to Paul’s Bicycle Way of Life.  The hot dogs were might fine, and were adorned with plenty of sauces and other condiments.  Kennett ate pasta with sausage, ground beef, and mushrooms Sunday night.  Other food the two cyclists ate earlier on Saturday night included five homemade pizzas, fruit salad, chocolate ice cream, and other.  Earlier today, after reaching Corvallis and deciding to end the ride there because of the massive headwind, Kennett and Quinn ate Qdoba burritos with Kennett’s brother and dad.  During the ride on Saturday and Sunday, the two riders ate bars, sandwiches, and other.  Much steel cut oats and eggs were consumed during both breakfasts of the weekend, along with almost everything else in Quinn’s friend’s refrigerator, including what they hope was some hemp protein mix, but might have been something much much worse.  Kennett ate one Snickers bar today after Junction City.  The cyclists saw over 22 dead animals on the side of the road.  Quinn found one pack of unopened gum.  Kennett whinnied at three horses.

The order of importance here is: description of the most important food eaten (chronological order is not used).  Road kill sightings.  Ground prizes collected.  Horses whinnied at.

This is what I believe is important, and I think newspapers should start adopting this style of journalism.

One thought on “Cyclist recieves excellent hair cut. Other 999,999 hairs become jealous.

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