GS CIAO (formerly Horizon/Einstein Bagels) has released its 2015 roster and it’s full of bad-ass mofos. And, to my unabashed amazement, I found myself on the list. You might be asking yourself, “What the hell did KennetH do to earn himself a spot on that big swinging dick team?” To that I respond, “I don’t know but I’m not going to bring attention to the matter so shut up about it, see?” I said that in a 1920’s wise-guy voice by the way.
You may recall that I guest rode with GS CIAO/Horizon at Superior Morgul, North Star GP, and Cascade. Somehow I made a good enough impression on my team members and management to get the invite for 2015. Is it really possible that they were enamored with how much food I could eat, how dirty my bike could get, and the vast quantity of swear words I could use in my race reports? I wasn’t aware my top skills were so marketable!
Okay enough self defecation for one post. Just to boost my ego back up, I’m putting myself at the the very top of the list. We’ll see how the rest stack up.
(Note: some of the information presented may or may not be truthful, as I don’t know a few of my teammates that well and I certainly didn’t take the time to interview them for this).
Strengths on the bike: Attacking, day-long breaks, really short climbs.
Other powers: Sarcasm, anger, ultra potent flatulence
Power animal(s): Horse for land, Sea Lion for water
Favorite vegetable: Avocado. I don’t care what you say, it’s not a fruit damn it.
Favorite type of burrito: chile verde (carnitas).
Favorite color: hot pink. Or brown.
Little known fact about Kennett: he’s keeping a list of people who spell his name wrong. You don’t want to be on that list.
Occupation other than cyclist: Barista in training, unpaid writer
Strengths on the bike: Sprinting, time trials
Other powers: Penetrating stare, gorilla chest pound for 10 extra watts
Power animal: Sword fish
Favorite vegetable: MEAT
Favorite type of burrito: bean and cheese with MEAT
Favorite color: George is colorblind
Little known fact about George: he’s only been racing for two years.
Occupation other than cyclist: High school student?
(Photo credit: Dean Warren)
Strengths on the bike: Climbing, breakaways, being a hard on. Hard man. Sorry.
Other powers: Emotional hammer-fist to top of skull, offering a water bottle on a hot day then dumping it out in front of you and laughing.
Power animal: Kodiak bear
Favorite vegetable: Turnip
Favorite type of burrito: Chicken with mole sauce.
Favorite color: Turquoise
Little known fact about Michael: He once attempted to swim across the English channel.
Occupation other than cyclist: Lawyer
(Photo credit: Eddie Clark)
Strengths on the bike: Sprinting, finding the move, being savvy
Other powers: Making you feel dumb and bad about yourself, trickery: “Hey look at that thing over there” BOOM gone.
Power animal: Porpoise
Favorite vegetable: Cherry tomatoes
Favorite type of burrito: Huevos rancheros
Favorite color: Salmon pink
Little known fact about Josh: He has never seen the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Surprising, I know.
Occupation other than cyclist: Engineer: putting lasers on sharks!
Strengths on the bike: Sprinting, lead out, smashing big gears (just one sometimes).
Other powers: Ventriloquism, being an all around nice guy, always has a tailwind in time trials
Power animal: Termite
Favorite vegetable: Swiss chard
Favorite type of burrito: Two burritos
Favorite color: Neon gray
Little known fact about Jake: He has a masters degree in paleontology.
Occupation other than cyclist: Works for Felt
Strengths on the bike: Sprinting, lead out, mass start hill climbs
Other powers: Intimidation (he’s really tall), +2mph for sweet euro-style haircut
Power animal: Timber wolf
Favorite vegetable: Tomatillo
Favorite type of burrito: Fajita burrito with shrimp
Favorite color: Burgundy
Little known fact about Brad: He gives a fantastic high five (but always spits on his hand first and laughs to himself afterwards because he despises you).
Occupation other than cyclist: General Mills
(Photo credit: Sportif Images)
Strengths on the bike/in the team car: Sprinting, iron-elbow bottle feed
Other powers: Motivator, creates great hashtags, awesome Linkedin profile
Power animal: Duck bill platypus
Favorite vegetable: Garlic
Favorite type of burrito: Breakfast: bacon, potato, egg, avocado, rice
Favorite color: See-through
Little known fact about Nick: None. Everything is public knowledge thanks to his amazing Linkedin profile.
Occupation other than cyclist: Engineer: also puts lasers on sharks!
(Photo credit: Dean Warren)
Strengths on the bike: Climbing, breaks, time trials
Other powers: How bout the power of flight. That do anything for ya?
Power animal: Komodo dragon
Favorite vegetable: Water mellon
Favorite type of burrito: Cream cheese and jam on a wheat tortilla, topped with ghost peppers.
Favorite color: Purple
Little known fact about Clayton: Clayton has never crashed and gotten injured in a bike race. Ever.
Occupation other than cyclist: Cycling coach
(Photo credit: Kathryn Winn Sustain Bars)
Strengths on the bike: Uphill sprints, medium length climbs, tactician
Other powers: Dreamy good looks, ninja chop to deltoid, weird Australian sayings
Power animal: Black widow spider
Favorite vegetable: Canned spinach
Favorite type of burrito: Kangaroo on corn tortilla (Haha, get it? Because he’s Australian).
Favorite color: Sunrise orange
Little known fact about Chris: He used to be really into parkour.
Occupation other than cyclist: Cycling coach, wombat poacher.