Funny raccoon jokes

I decided to make some jokes about raccoons because I like raccoons and they’re funny animals.  So I sat down and wrote a blog post about them, putting a lot of thought into each joke and explaining why some of the more complicated jokes are funny, just in case you don’t get them.  Here they are:

Q: Why did the raccoon cross the street?
A: To get to Fred Meyers to buy some dish detergent.  (Because raccoons like to wash their food. Although, it’s actually a myth that they’re washing it; they’re really just softening it to make it easier to eat).

Q: Why did the raccoon buy Sensodyne toothpaste?
A: Because apparently raccoons have really sensitive teeth.

Q: What’s a raccoon’s favorite color?
A: Raccoons are colorblind.

Q: How big does an average adult raccoon weigh?
A: 8-20 pounds

A raccoon walks into a bar.  Bar tender says, “Don’t shoot I’ll give you the money!”  (This is funny because raccoons have bandit masks across their eyes, which make them look like robbers. And the bar tender thought the raccoon was going to rob him. But really the raccoon just wanted to order a drink).

One time I fed a raccoon a bunch of hot dogs.  

Q: How many limbs does a raccoon have?
A: Between zero and four. But usually four.

Q: Why did the raccoon remember the Alamos?
A: Because Davy Crocket had a coon skin hat.

Raccoons are omnivores and subside on both meat, plant-based food, and redundancy.

Q: Why don’t raccoons brush their teeth?
A: Because it would look like they had rabies. (This is funny because people often associate rabies with raccoons, possibly because both words start with the letter R).

Q: How many rabid raccoons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to screw in the light bulb and one to *also screw in the light bulb.*

*edited for content

And there you have it: what I did this morning instead of going on a bike ride. Now it’s mid afternoon.

Here’s a picture of a raccoon so you have something to look at while you laugh at all my great raccoon jokes.

36 thoughts on “Funny raccoon jokes

  1. That would be a nutria, native to South America but now thriving in North America after they were released into the wild to be hunted for their pelts, since beaver numbers were dropping back in the day.

  2. Are u sure that’s not a muskrat? I think it is a muskrat. By the way why would u put a NUTRIA on a raccoon website? IT IS A RACCOON WEBSITE!!!! What is a nutria doing on this website? Also, u have inspired me to make a better and more accurate raccoon website with pictures of raccoons, not NUTRIAS! And why would u spend a whole morning on this website instead of going on a bike ride? I LOVE bike rides!
    Fellow coon lover<3
    P.S. That is totes a muskrat. :) Not a nutria…

  3. Hmmm, pretty sure it’s a nutria since I type in “nutria” on google and that’s what it came up with. Also, I did a report on nutrias for a paper so I think I would know. Thirdly, I only spent four and a half hours writing that blog post and had plenty of time for a 20 minute bike ride later that day.

  4. I still don’t understand why you would put a nutria on a raccoon website. It makes no sense…

  5. I agree with Jen the coon lova. Even if the animal in that picture IS a nutria, why would u say that it is a coon??? Or why would u put it up if u knew that it wasn’t a coon?
    It is totes a muskrat:)

  6. Omg hahahaha is that even a raccoon?!? Whatever. YOUR JOKES ARE HILARIOUS!! Hahahahahahaha yeah… I don’t have much else to say. Just remember to eat your pancakes and jump on your trampoline daily. Hahahahaha bye now

  7. Jen, I don’t even know what to say. Other than thank you for the compliments about my raccoon jokes!! I spent a lot of time thinking about them and I’ll do a muskrat joke blog post after I do some research on them.

  8. Hi again. This is your best buddy the MOUSTACHIO!!!! hahahaha anyywayyyy…. As you can see I left a comment yesterday about your wonderful jokes. And I decided that I will tell u a joke I made up about raccoons, the “wonderful” creatures they are. So here is my joke……
    So yesterday I was hanging out with my sister the naked turtle and her friend Jen and they were like hey look at these great raccoon jokes and I was like WHAT RACCOON JOKES CAN’T YOU SEE IM TRYING TO EAT BACON?!?!?!? And then they were like just look at the jokes and I was like whoa these aren’t half bad so I posted a comment on the website.

    Hahahahahahahahaha now wasn’t that hilarious????? And to think it was a true story. Hahahaha

    P.S. It’s totes a muskrat. ={D

  9. I STILL don’t understand why u put this nutria on a raccoon website. I’m not trying to put u down or anything but I just wanna know. Please explain it to me.
    P.S. I can’t wait to see ur muskrat blog. Maybe u should put that picture of the nutria on the muskrat blog cuz its totes a muskrat.

  10. I agree with Jen the coon lova. You should get started on that muskrat joke blog…. I am anxiously awaiting

    P.S. I don’t know what’s wrong with google but that is totes a muskrat… Not a nutria

  11. The muskrat joke blog is coming. I just need to find the right inspiration. You can’t rush these things.

  12. ya know what? im thinking you should put a picture of a cuscus on your muskrat blog:)

  13. So me Jen and naked turtle have been waiting for your muskrat joke blog for quite some time. How come you had time to write a whole song about onions written to the tune of peaches but didn’t have time to write a few simple jokes?

  14. HI. It is me, Jen the coon lova, again. When you’re done with the muskrat joke blog, which I really hope is soon, can you make an announcement on this blog?? I would really like to see it as soon as possible. Well with all due respect, you need to start rushing things and be more than half way. I am not a very pacient person. Hope to be reading muskrat jokes soon, BYE!

  15. I am a high schooler, trying to get a guy to like me and i like i will use these jokes as pick up lines. Th guy i like is so into racoons and hes super cute in his glasses that have little racoons on them…I know that girls dont normally use pick up lines but its worth a try…thanks

  16. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! that is not a pic of a raccoon. i am a professional rodent inspector and i have a feeling that is a nutria.

  17. Hahaha…Jen the troll lova. She has to be trolling, right? By the time got to the picture I was cracking up a bit. I think your muskrat page is even better.

    P.S. It’s totes a muskrat…hahaha.

  18. I heard a joke years ago but I cant remember it. It was something about a chicken and raccoon talking about crossing the road and the raccoon talks about his mask does anyone know it Thanks

  19. Hello Fishwithlaser here,
    If there was one raccoon screwing the light bulb in, and the other raccoon screwing in the light bulb. What or who was the second raccoon screwing?

    By the way, I have been able to confirm that the photo is in fact of a raccoon.

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