I decided to make some jokes about raccoons because I like raccoons and they’re funny animals. So I sat down and wrote a blog post about them, putting a lot of thought into each joke and explaining why some of the more complicated jokes are funny, just in case you don’t get them. Here they are:
Q: Why did the raccoon cross the street?
A: To get to Fred Meyers to buy some dish detergent. (Because raccoons like to wash their food. Although, it’s actually a myth that they’re washing it; they’re really just softening it to make it easier to eat).
Q: Why did the raccoon buy Sensodyne toothpaste?
A: Because apparently raccoons have really sensitive teeth.
Q: What’s a raccoon’s favorite color?
A: Raccoons are colorblind.
Q: How big does an average adult raccoon weigh?
A: 8-20 pounds
A raccoon walks into a bar. Bar tender says, “Don’t shoot I’ll give you the money!” (This is funny because raccoons have bandit masks across their eyes, which make them look like robbers. And the bar tender thought the raccoon was going to rob him. But really the raccoon just wanted to order a drink).
One time I fed a raccoon a bunch of hot dogs.
Q: How many limbs does a raccoon have?
A: Between zero and four. But usually four.
Q: Why did the raccoon remember the Alamos?
A: Because Davy Crocket had a coon skin hat.
Raccoons are omnivores and subside on both meat, plant-based food, and redundancy.
Q: Why don’t raccoons brush their teeth?
A: Because it would look like they had rabies. (This is funny because people often associate rabies with raccoons, possibly because both words start with the letter R).
Q: How many rabid raccoons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to *also screw in the light bulb.*
*edited for content
And there you have it: what I did this morning instead of going on a bike ride. Now it’s mid afternoon.
Here’s a picture of a raccoon so you have something to look at while you laugh at all my great raccoon jokes.