If you believe hard enough, the squirrel WILL be there.


Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
–Mark 9:23

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
–Hebrews 11:1


The Great Squirrel said onto him, “Go, chase me up a tree and bark for hours until I jump down and make an escape attempt into the blackberry brambles, for if you are worthy you will catch me and eat my body and drink my blood.”
–Book of Squirrel 21:19

Thomas has always been a staunch follower of Squirrelinsanity: the belief in and obsession over squirrels in the backyard who scamper around eating bird seed that’s fallen out of the bird feeder. Like most religions, the sacred deity lives in the sky/tree and countless hours must be spent praying to Him and worshiping Him, for He is the creator and destroyer of all life. Unlike most religions though, this one requires that the God be clenched firmly in the mouth, shaken until its back is broken, let go to feebly crawl on the ground with its front legs for a minute, then grabbed up in the mouth again and carried around the yard for 10 minutes in a parade of pride while it slowly dies in a big dog’s bloody and slobbery mouth. Anyways, the religion of Squirrelinsanity really isn’t that much different than most.

Thomas is one of the religion’s most devoted disciples. He believes so much, he barks even though there might not even be any proof of the Squirrel’s existence. He knows that faith is stronger than fact. What has fact ever gotten him? The fact that he stank and was covered in dirt got him a bath. The fact that he already ate dinner meant that he didn’t get to eat again until the morning. The fact that he was barking really loudly inside got him a swift kick in the but. The fact that he ate a whole pie off the counter got him a swifter kick in the butt. No, Thomas knows that facts are not the answer. Facts and reason get in the way of good decision making for all he’s concerned. That’s why he doesn’t need to literally see a squirrel in the tree to make him worship under its blessed branches for hours on end. Thomas knows that true faith is believing without seeing. Some call it blind faith, Thomas calls it hope. And let that be a lesson to all you non-believers and critics out there. All your negativity and skepticism will be for not, for when the day of reckoning comes and the Squirrels reign down upon the earth with loud chattering and thrown acorns, Thomas will be called up to the heavens while you all will be left behind to die a torturous death in the aftermath of the end of the world. But if you choose a life of devotion, a life with meaning, a life Squirrelituality, you will be rewarded with you very own all-you-can-eat squirrel buffet in the kingdom of Squirrel heaven. Just remember, if you believe hard enough, the squirrel WILL be there.

I may have mentioned to Thomas that a squirrel might possibly be in the tree. Whether there is one there or not, Thomas’ faith alone is enough to keep him going. Through the monotonous daily grind, the pains of life, the tragedies of death, the terrible atrocities that make him ask “Why?!? Why me?”, Thomas knows that the Squirrels are testing him. They have a plan for him. And for that, Thomas prays….that the squirrels will jump down so he can eat them.

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