The Euro Mullet

You’ve thought about it. You’ve dreamt the great dream. You’ve looked at pictures on Google Images, imagining what you’d look like with a thick, curly main accentuating the back of your neck; flowing down towards your back as some would call a ‘sex waterfall.’ You’ve run your fingers through your hair, himming and hawing about the barren idea of the now streamlined sides of your head, left short for breathing room and the no-nonsense proficiency of hearing that comes with keeping your hair out of the way of your ears. Buzzed close to the skin, cool, aerodynamic even. And of course the front. Ahhh, yes. The front. There are many ways to present the front (and top) of one’s head to the world with this style of hair. The fo-hawk, spiked or left messy with mouse and pomade, tastefully curled or flat topped. There’s a time and place for all these artistic expressions. And let me tell you this, friends, the time is now, the place is here. Welcome to the new age, the dawn of…the Euro Mullet of the 2000’s.

It was once believed that the Euro Mullet was a thing of the past. Ugly, loud, trashy, and low-class. And it’s because of these characteristics that the Euro Mullet is coming back. Society is growing tired of men’s modern day, boring, blah haircuts. For middle and high schoolers, this means longish and shaggyish–but not too long and shaggy, that would cause alarm. For young adults, current protocol is shortish, nothing fancy, sideburns medium. For middle aged people, more of the same, except a bit shorter and balder. For old men–bald or very short. It is because of these low standards and boring “don’t look at me but also don’t NOT look at me” mentality that current US affairs have gotten so out of control. By overly and obsessively controlling our appearances to calm and uninspire, we’ve had to project our “shock and awe” emotions elsewhere. And this has only caused trouble. Luckily, a team of East German scientists have re-discovered the cause of this pent up aggression, termed Candiru Syndrome after the Candiru fish of the Amazon Basin–a small fish that appears normal and harmless, but is in fact capable of worming its way into its unknowing victim’s genitalia, opening up its umbrella-like aray of spines, and sucking the blood of the now very well aware victim.

The team of East German scientists called upon the work of Dr. Bernard Van Huvenhavekkensteinsburgenfurter, who conducted his research during his country’s dark days of WWII. According to the well renowned Van Huvenhavekkensteinsburgenfurter, the sole reason Nazism and the quest for world domination arose in 1930’s Germany, was due to the boring, clean-cut, cookie-cutter hairstyle of the German society. Look at the Hittler Youth as an example. After the Germans were defeated in 1959, Dr. Huvenhavekkensteinsburgenfurter prescribed a new hairstyle for his German brethren to keep them out of further genocidal tendencies. And thus the Euro Mullet was birthed. Soon after, stillborn cousins of the Euro Mullet appeared across the globe as other, inferior nations attempted to re-create the Euro Mullet. But all failed, including the traditional mullet of the Southern US, the rat tail, and the Euro Mullet’s skinny brother, the mohawk. These hairstyles weren’t quite enough to keep a nation’s interest for more than a decade and a half, and when their their brief-lives ended, so did our country’s short period of (relative) peace between the end of the Vietnam War and the beginning of the first Iraq War (1971-1989).

Thankfully, current research done by the East Germans has shown that the Euro Mullet has kept peace in their country for over half a century. The East German research paper came out in late November, and already, US lawmakers have set aside federal funding for Euro Mullet workshops, infomercials, newsletters and other reading material to be distributed across the nation in workplaces, restaurants, malls, homes, and schools. The new policy has been met with some resistance as certain groups have claimed that Euro Mullet propaganda is infringing on the free will of thought and action that is believed to exist in our nation. Some have called it socialist, but they will certainly be silenced for good when the Euro Mullet is expected to become law in February 2010 when it passes onto the desk of pro-Euro-Mullet-life, President Obama.

So let your hair grow out for the next three months. Let those locks curl up and glimmer with copious amounts of hair spray and gel. Remember, when growing a Euro Mullet, do as the Europeans do and avoid washing your hair or attempting to de-tangle it with a comb. For best results, apply massive amounts of hair product, sweat, and repeat. If you’re a cyclist like myself, you’ll find comfort in knowing that the back of your neck will no longer get sunburnt, when you take your helmet off, your mullet will look as good as new (assuming it’s accumulated the required amount of hair grease). Because the Euro Mullet was designed around hats and helmets–it’s the only haircut other than a buzzed head, that conforms perfectly with a bike helmet or cycling cap. Next time you’re riding, there’s no need to worry about hair getting in your eyes. No need to worry about the heat, because the Euro Mullet is cool on the sides. And just check out your sweet new duck tail sticking out from your helmet the next time you see your bike-riding shadow on the ground. Pretty satisfying, huh? I always take pride in seeing my shadow’s progress. Yep, the Euro Mullet has got it all. Style, charisma, practicality, and plain old fashioned good looks that girls simply dig. Mine’s coming along nicely, how about yours? Too bad it has to go come race season… And yes, when I do a new post I do just start writing without any plan whatsoever and type out whatever comes to my head at that exact moment. Just in case you were wondering.