Procrastination/being a slob like me.

The Art of Procrastination: How to avoid the worst four chores

The trash needs to be taken out, the dishes need to be cleaned and put away, you’re in dire need of some new t-shirts, and your friends are beginning to comment on the odor of your favorite pair of jeans.  Sounds like you’

ve got a lot of chores to do, right?  Wrong.  Wrong because there is a much simpler, hassle-free, and time-efficient solution to your problems than you think.  Procrastination.  You already do it, and it always seems to get the job done.  So why not embrace it?  Follow these simple guidelines to put off the four most tedious things that have to be done, but not really.

Taking Out The Trash. 

Taking out the trash may seem like an easy chore.  All you have to do is drag it to the dumpster or to the street a couple times a week.  By description it sounds easy, but of course we all know that it most certainly is not, especially during “build-up”episodes.

On occasion, the trash may slowly and steadily build up to a monumental mess.  Be it from constant forgetfulness of which day the garbage truck comes or pure and simple laziness, it is an inevitable event.  When the trash stacks up like this, it will require making more than one trip, which is definitely leading into the zone of work.  And this type of work deserves to be put off.  For a long, long time.

The first step to living in a house full of trash is to find a place to store it.  You don’t have to go out and buy a bunch of new trash containers, because that would require way too much effort.  Instead, start saving up grocery bags and spare cardboard boxes.  These can be strategically placed throughout your abode in various corners and hallways, on top of chairs and counters, or hanging from drawer handles and coat racks.

The second step is easy.  Buy a spray bottle of air freshener.  That pretty much sums it up.  Anything else would be too much work.  You are now free to take out the trash once every other month or so.

Doing The Dishes. 

When your house is full of trash, the incentive to keep the counters and sink clean and clear of dishes goes completely out the window–which should be left open as much as possible.  Not taking out the trash had two steps to it and because of that it can cause some confusion.  But not to worry, not doing the dishes is foolproof.  Fill the sink part way full of soapy water and pile the plates and cups in high.  This is called “letting the bowls soak,” and it works quite well–the term that is, not the actually method of cleaning the dishes.   You will soon run out of clean dishes, which leads to two outcomes: you will eat more food directly out of the fridge and pantry, cooked or uncooked, and you will begin to use the less dirty dishes over and over again.  This may sound slightly unsanitary, but it’s a price you should be willing to pay for not ever having to do the dishes.  EVER.

Shopping For Clothes. 

Very few men enjoy taking the trip to the mall to pick out new clothes.  We all like the idea of getting a new coat or pair of jeans.  But it’s the process that most of us could go without.  It is boring, noting fits right, they don’t sell your favorite kind of socks anymore, and everything is overpriced.  The only good thing about going shopping for clothes is the moment of relief when you exit the store. 

There are two great ways to avoid making that death march to Macy’s.  The first is hitting up your siblings and friends.  They won’t notice the odd missing shirt or pair of underwear.  Next time you’re over at their house, meander your way past their dresser or laundry pile and snag an item.  But don’t steal their favorite hat or pair of jeans.  Only take something that you know they won’t miss too much.  Also, don’t make the mistake of kicking it with your friend Chad while wearing one of his t-shirts.

The second tip to putting off clothes shopping is to keep a bag of your old clothes stored away in a closet somewhere–yes, I know this takes foresight and planning, but it’s better than wasting your Saturday listening to elevator music in a fitting room.  Once or twice a year, take out that bag of old clothes and reunite them with your dresser.  Then, from your dresser, take out an equal amount of clothes you currently use and put them in the bag.  Place the bag back in the closet for another six months.  Repeat when needed.  You’ll save money and people will think you’re cool for wearing such “vintage” clothing.

Doing Laundry.

The average guy can go for about a week and wear clean clothes each day.  After that, he will need to start re-wearing dirty clothes.  This is not a problem, because usually clothes don’t start showing signs of dirtiness after the first use.  But by the end of the third week, things can start to get smelly and stained.

To deal with the stench of those mildewing and B.O. ridden shirts composting on the floor of your messy home, the solution is quite simple.  You already bought that air freshener for all the trash bags littering your house, so why not put it to another good use?  Before you know it, girls will be commenting on how good you always seem to smell.  Little do they know, your new cologne is no more than a cheap bottle of Febreze. 

As for the food, dirt, and sweat stains covering your shirts, a good direction to go is to start layering.  Investing in a cheap vest is a good start.  Also, wearing shirts inside out doubles their life.  And dark clothes don’t show dirt as much as light colored clothes, so the next time you visit Chad, make sure to grab a couple of his black t-shirts. 

Get to it.  You’ve got a lot of stuff to not do and a lot of time to not do it.