As a bike racer, are you tired of being pathetically, agonizingly, unnaturally slow? Does it hurt your feelings when you come in dead mid-pack in every race you do? Is your family ashamed of you. Has your girlfriend left you for someone faster? Do people talk in hushed whispers behind your back in small groups wondering why you still do this sport when you obviously have neither potential nor will power? When you look in the mirror at that sad excuse of a human being do you wonder how much longer you can hold out on your imminent suicide? Above all, are you embarrassed by the lack of veins and definition in your weak, fat legs? Do you often refer to those two legs of yours as your “empty vessels of shame” or your “limp sausage casings”? Would you rather have them be known as “MEAT PISTONS” or “MURDER STICKS”? Well then, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m now taking clients for Get Coached by Kennett LLP (It’s not really an LLP). I have only a few spots available and they will be entirely first come first serve, depending on how much I like you. I will be offering myself for cheaper than normal (sort of like Lang’s mom). My services could even be called abnormally cheap! Now is the time to save! Transform yourself this fall and winter from a lame excuse of a bike racer to an extremely overtrained, undernourished, fast-looking cyclist! I kid. I will do nothing of the sort. You’ve all seen how much I eat. I’ll somehow manage to make you overtrained AND overweight.
In all seriousness, I’m taking on a few women and men starting this fall to coach. Young or old. Cat 5, 4, 3, 2, or 1. The one stipulation is that you have a power meter, since I’ll be prescribing and basing your training off of your power files. The other stipulation (I lied there are two stipulations) is that you’re motivated for hard work and a decent amount of it. I don’t think I can properly coach anyone who doesn’t have the time to train at least 10 hours a week. Since I’ve never trained under 10 hours a week I’m not convinced I can provide the best help to anyone who does. I’m not a USA Cycling certified coach, but luckily that certification doesn’t mean shit anyways. As for my credentials, in my seven years of training I’ve found out exactly what doesn’t work. So I’ll be having you do the opposite of that.
Here’s what you get:
-Unlimited phone calls and email
-We’ll discuss and plan for your major goals in the coming year
-Completely personalized weekly plans
-Changes will be made to the weekly training plan accordingly, based on how the week progresses. This is something that most coaching companies don’t offer, especially at this price. I think it’s vital to make changes throughout the week if the plan is too difficult or other things come up.
-I’ll analyze your power files and give feedback throughout the week
-Price is $180 a month
I’ll be consulting with another racer, Michael Sencenbaugh, who is one of the most knowledgeable people I know when it comes to physiology and the most recent research and training being done over a wide variety of endurance sports. I’ll be using some of his ideas and incorporating them into your training, which I’ve done for myself this past season. I owe some of my success this year to the types of training and intervals he’s talked to me about.
You may respond to a various type of training completely differently than someone else. I’m well aware of this. It’s taken me a long time to find out how to train properly and what I respond well to. It’s important to find out what works best for you so you get the most bang for your buck, whether that’s back-to-back days of VO2 intervals, long tempo sessions, anaerobic work, or the typical 2×20 threshold efforts. With your help and feedback I’ll attempt to find the most effective way for YOU to train.
Give me a call or email if you want someone to push you, a sounding board during the long winter months, and race strategy for the spring and summer.